There has to come a point in time where you don’t just get beat, you get really beat. I’m talking about the same ol’ scenario playing over and over again. Subject A (Usually the Hero) goes on a quest, and after X amount of time beats down Subject B (Usually the Villain)

Such is the case with the Legend of Zelda series. Our good old Subject A (Link, for those of you who can’t figure it out) always manages to save Hyrule while putting the hurt on our friend Subject B (Ganon/Ganondorf).

Of course this kind of thing has to wear down our villain. You can’t just keep losing every single time. Something will eventually break be it mentally or physically. Every time the poor Gerudo tries to take over Hyrule, Link arrives once again to deliver what I have decided to call, a Linkwhopin’

And thus, welcome to another Somewhat Serious Article. If you haven’t figured out what this edition is about, you deserve a LINKWHOPIN’

First off, I know this is going to be repeated somehow. So lets get it straight. Its pronounced “Link –whh(wh sound as in “wh”at) – pin”

Not “whooping” or “whipping”. “Link – whh – pin”. Got it? Good.

Linkwhopin’ is the term for when Link completely owns someone or something. This usually results in messing up Ganon’s plans, and winding up killing/locking away/banishing/rekilling etc etc Ganon in the end.

Now we as fans have been conditioned to rejoice when Hyrule is safe once more. Overlooking the fact that it will only to be in peril again when the next game comes out. Nevertheless you can’t help but feel sorry for all the Linkwhopin’s Ganon has had to go through.

Legend of Zelda

Link is called a “Skillful Lad” in the manual. So therefore he has to be pretty young. And nothing feels worse than getting owned by a ten year old. First incident of a Linkwhopin’.

Adventure of Link

Ganon technically isn’t in the game at all. But Link still decides to kill all his faithful minions incase he does show up again. That’s gotta be a Linkwhopin’ right there.

A Link to the Past

This has to be the most embarrassing Linkwhopin’ of them all. First off, Ganon is in his huge pig form. Second, Link is just a young adult that’s never fought a battle before. Lastly, Ganon had the WHOLE freaking Triforce. You know, like the complete wishing power thing. I don’t know about you, but I think after achieving your life’s goal and then getting it taken from you just like that. That’s a Linkwhopin’.

Link’s Awakening

The poor guy can’t even get away from Link as a nightmare. Of course Link not only gave Ganon a Linkwhopin’, but the whole island as well.

Ocarina of Time

This one wasn’t as bad a Linkwhopin’. Link was 17, he had help from the sages, and really his minions were useless. In retrospect though, he could have played it a bit smarter as outlined by TML here.

Majora’s Mask

Ganon wasn’t in this one, but it doesn’t matter, cause pretty much anything Link does in his quest results in a Linkwhopin’ of some kind.

Oracle Series

I’ve put these two together because you need to play both to reach Ganon. Those of you who don’t know the ending of this Linkwhopin’ yet, skip to the next game.

Anyway, right after Ganon’s revived by Twinrova, he immediately receives a Linkwhopin’ and gets sent back to where he came from. Kind of sucks.

Four Swords, Four Swords Adventure, The Minish Cap

I’ve never played the Four Sword games but I have played TMC. But I do know that they all have Vaati in them. Following a simple line of logic: Link fights Vaati. Vaati is a villain. Ganon is a villain. Hence Ganon once again gets a Linkwhopin’.

The Wind Waker

The Phantom Ganon’s get a Linkwhopin’, The Puppet Ganon gets a Linkwhopin’, Forsaken Fortress gets a Linkwhopin’, Hyrule gets a Linkwhopin’ and finally Ganondorf gets a Linkwhopin’. Again, may I add, by a child.

Oh and for those of you who didn’t know about that, I suggest you immediately forget what you just read.

Twilight Princess

Now we don’t even know what role Ganon even plays in this game. But let’s give the poor guy the benefit of the doubt and assume that he gets the mother of all Linkwhopin’s

Now that’s quite a lot for one guy to take. Think how much it would blow to have some kid with the same name, foil your plans over and over while saving a princess that has the same name EVERY *NAVING* TIME YOU TRY AND TAKE OVER HYRULE! I don’t know about you, but if I wasn’t insane at that point, I would at least take up knitting or something just to break the monotony.

Point? The poor guy has had so many Linkwhopin’s I think he deserves a break. He could write his whole autobiography around this.

So the next time you’re playing through Ocarina of Time, don’t gloat when you lock Ganondorf away. Instead feel a little sorry for the guy. Apologize to the TV even. Just remember what you learned here today about Linkwhopin’s. Things that you learned, in A Somewhat Serious Article.

Filed under A.S.S.A., Games, Humor

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